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I decided to take a different approach to this “regime”. (The word is in the news so much these days that it just seems to fall off my fingers onto the keyboard.)

Basically – I sat down and thought about what I wanted to eat every day that would still allow me to lose weight. That’s  such a different starting point than sitting down and wondering what I should cut out of my diet every day.

I came up with this:

  • breakfast – a big bowl of porridge, fruit and yogurt (porridge made with half a cup of oats and 2.5 cups of water.) Right now my fruit is tinned pumpkin heated up and stirred in with the yogurt.  I’ll probably have blueberries next.
  • lunch -cottage cheese and 4 slices and ryvita. I eat 150g of cc which is about a quarter of a large tub. Sometimes I nibble on a couple of the crackers about an hour before I eat the rest.
  • snack – dried fruit.  About 60 calories worth and, I’m afraid, for now I’m buying the over-packaged individual portions for some extra built-in self-control.
  • I also build in 6 big mugs of coffee and/or tea per day – each with 1/3 cup 1% milk.  I tried to have less milk but it tasted like a diet, so I got rid of a 100g yogurt snack and just enjoy my milky hot drinks.
  • dinner – a big plate of vegetables and lean protein.  I originally had thought about half the protein and a small portion of rice, but I’m happy with more chicken and no rice. (One less pot to wash.)  These past couple of days have been chicken breast cut up with a green, red and yellow pepper, an onion and 2 carrots, all tossed in 2 tsp of olive oil and roasted in the over. I think the next 4 days will be a big pot of veggie chili.
  • alcohol -  In the absence of a commute, I do like a drink to signal that the working day is over.  Wine is hard to control once that bottle is open so I’ve opted for a well tonicked G&T.  I use a measure of gin and a 300ml bottle of Fever Tree naturally light tonic which is very tasty.  It’s nice long grown-up tasting drink with only 1 unit of alcohol.

Once I figured out what I wanted to eat, it was easier to figure out what needed to be temporarily off the menu, namely:

  • cheese
  • peanut butter
  • bananas
  • wine
  • all other forms of crackers and bread

With wine, the thought process was, “I want wine but can’t control it.  What should I have instead?”

With all the others, I didn’t actually notice I wasn’t eating them because I started from “What do I want to eat every day?” and they didn’t feature on the list.  Interesting.  If I’d wanted to eat peanut butter every day, I would have made it work, but it didn’t even come to mind.  Not just interesting – bloomin’ amazing.

Tomorrow:  What happens on the days when I can’t just eat to my own selfish routine?

 

 
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I’m not big on military imagery but this weight loss thing certainly has some parallels with “warring”.

These past 2.5 years have been a series of battles won and lost, interspersed with periods of peace – and it’s time for the “last battle”.

The first thing I want to point out is that the enemy is not my body.  And the enemy is not food.  Those are both good, no, wonderful things and my closest allies during these next few weeks.

The enemy is my own attitude – that is, the sizable commitment gap between what I want and what I’m prepared to do to get it.

This week I’m prepared to close that gap by throwing all my ammunition at these last few pounds.

Ammunition?

Burning off at least 200 calories through exercise no matter what.

  • a 2 mile run
  • a 3 mile walk
  • 2 hours of shopping
  • Those are daily minimums.

The thing I’m not going to do is spend one whole day doing nothing because I know that I’m going on a 5 mile run the next day.  While the battle is raging, this has got to be an everyday commitment.

Eating with exacting discipline.

  • Breakfast lunch and dinners will be the same for 4 days at a time.  Boring but it makes planning and shopping easier.
  • All ingredients weighed and measured.  ie The 1/4 of milk I usually journal for coffee is actually 3/8.  That won’t matter a bit in a few weeks, but it matters in battle.
  • Eating more than the recommended 5 a day of fruit and veg. This means snacking on carrots even when it’s easier to grab a cracker.

Counting the cost.

  • As someone in the bible wrote, “No one goes into battle without first counting the cost.”  Really?  I do it all the time with predictable results.
  • The cost to me this week is no wine in the house.  At all.
  • The cost is eating very carefully during the day when I’m going out for dinner in the evening.
  • The cost is choosing what I’m going to eat at the restaurant before I go – and sticking to it.
  • The cost is not being a very flexible human being when it comes to food choices.  I will stick with my decisions even when they are socially a bit awkward. (This is my biggest “cost”.)

I will keep up this lack of flexibility (regime, dare I say, “diet”?) until the scale is really moving.  Then I’ll rethink my strategy.  I’m assuming that I will be eating like this until I leave for Canada at the end of March.

And what has prompted this last push?  I’ve made a decision that, whatever I weigh when I wake up on my 50th birthday will be the lowest weight I will ever aspire to again.  I’ve had enough of “ought” and “should” and even “want”.  Time to hit real middle age with my head high  – no matter what I weigh.

In the meantime, realising that I am serious about that has made me think that I will be very disappointed if I don’t ever keep that promise to myself to get down to 140lbs and live with it for a while.  Hence the battle.

(Now, where are my bagpipes?)

 
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Can’t linger…

It’s our anniversary and we’re going out for a wonderful calorie-laden meal tonight.

But I still have that 139 in my head.

But I DO NOT want that number to make me feel cranky.

The Dieter’s Dilemma.

So I’m not going to hang around here – but put on my running shoes and trot out the door for an hour.

And then enjoy every single bite of whatever I fancy.  Possibly butternut squash and goats cheese lasagna followed by crème brûlée. And a large glass of wine.

Oh! But first I need be an old woman for a moment and list a few things that I’ve learned about staying married and in love.  (And learned the hard way over these 26 years, I assure you.)

  • Saying please and thank you to each other for little things like making a cup of coffee.
  • Saying I Love You without any reason whatsoever.
  • Doing little things without thinking “but it’s not my turn….”
  • Knowing when to give some space.
  • Being physical in little ways and big.  Sometimes sex IS the answer.
  • Knowing that hugs are often better than words when things aren’t great.
  • Allowing each other to blossom in life – and the blossoming one not leaving the other behind.
  • Living as though you’re joined together on a super long lead that you almost never notice.
  • Forgiving before it becomes an effort.
  • Praying together – it that’s your kind of thing.

On with the day.

 
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Yesterday I ended up with a digestive complaint that doesn’t need to be described here. Ick. I haven’t had anything like that for years.  So I stayed in, ate sparingly, and went to bed early.

And what do you know, I feel fine today.

It was tempting to spend a little more time curled up on the couch but I decided to try to be as disciplined about exercise as I have been with food.  Not easy.  Not natural. Not ever accomplished before!  But I’m trying.

Here’s the plan:

Every week I aim to walk/run 1 x 2 miles, 1 x 3 miles, 1 x 4 miles and 1 x 5 miles.  I don’t care about the order or the specific day but I’d like to get to the end of each week having covered 14 miles at a good pace.

Walks with friends and loved ones are just icing on the cake but not replacements for the above.

Can I just recap for a moment?

In just over 2 weeks:

  • I’ve decided what number I want to see on the scale.
  • I’ve set a date for that goal.
  • I’ve planned my weekly eating.
  • I’ve set a weekly exercise target.

This is not me.  This is not anyone I have ever been.  I promise that I will never ever ever become smug in this endeavour.  Or assume that I’ve actually arrived.  Or assume that I will be this disciplined forever and always.  Or be confident that I will never be fat again.  Never ever ever.

But I’m going to take advantage of this stranger presently living my life and see if I can’t embed a couple more good habits.

 
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I’m sagging a little beneath the weight of the crises of the people around me.  What I thought was going to be some time “away” has turned into time “sharing the burden” with the nearest and the dearest.

And for me, a melt-down once removed is still a melt-down.

However – the day following the shared melt-down was lovely and I found myself making decisions about what was going into my mouth rather than being caught in the stuff/regret cycle.

Went out for a late breakfast on Sunday and actually paid attention when told that the portions were huge and got only a half order of Eggs Flo-Benedict: one egg, one English muffin, piles of spinach, a sprinkling of feta and hollandaise on the side. Chuck on some non-greasy home fries and a couple mugs of coffee and I was ready for the rest of the day. I even left some potatoes.

If I’d had the whole portion, I probably would have eaten all the potatoes because, well, what the hell, eh?

Then we walked  – strolled really – but used our feet to cover a a few miles, mooch at the market, drift in and out of art studios, pottery studios, paper studios and, of course, the hat store where the daughter has been trying on hats since she could whine and point. Fun.

It felt good to take that baby step.  I’ve also managed to get back into my “no food on the ferry” routine.  There are cheap refined carbs at every turn in this place and it’s hard to always pass them by buy I don’t think I have a choice any longer.

Then, just when I was talking myself into the best pizza on earth, I found myself turning into the grocery store. Tired and hungry I headed straight for the candied salmon – a locally produced delicacy – and, for the first time read the nutritional information.  Four pieces have 180 calories.  I eat at least 12 pieces when I have it.  Maybe not the best choice.  Instead, I got some other locally smoked salmon for half the calories and a third the price and had a smoked salmon salad feast with a couple of new potatoes.  Lovely.

And the last baby step:  I bought no wine.

And on that note, I’d better run.

 
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OK. I need the whole world to stop associating Good and Bad with eating. Really. Just like I managed to banish “fall off the wagon“, I want to stop saying things like, “I had a good week” to mean that I ate in a way that would lead to weight loss. And especially to ban “I had a bad week” to mean that I ate in a way that wouldn’t lead to weight loss. People say they had a “bad week” when, actually, they ate in a way that left their weight exactly as it was the week before.  What’s so BAD about that?

Much much worse are the phrases, “I was bad” and “I was good”.   I actually bite my tongue when I hear them.  But this is  (at least partly) my blog and I can be rude, right?  If you kill a kitten, you are bad.  If you eat 10 Mars Bars, you are a person with disordered eating.  If you kill the kitten because you ate 10 Mars Bars, you are sick.

OK  – so what am I going to say instead of “had a good week”?  This week,when asked, I tried, “I worked hard and it paid off”.  Not bad…   It’s what I meant, but there’s more.

Sometimes you work hard and it doesn’t pay off.

Or sometimes it’s all quite easy and you lose weight.

So I figure I need three measures:

  • How easy it is from the inside.  In other words, did I have the motivation to eat well and move? Or was it struggle from the moment I woke up to keep my hands out of the crackers?
  • How easy was it from the outside? Did my schedule accommodate going for walks and calm, planned meals at home or did I actually have a social life?

It’s that last situation that makes me struggle with the good/bad thing.  It’s GOOD to eat out with friends.  It’s GOOD to celebrate around a meal.  But all that goodness makes losing weight harder – at least for that week.

  • Given the above, how hard did I work to lose weight?

If I was going to make this a graph, I’d have two axes- the lines, not the chopping things.  One would chart the hard/easy side of life – an average of the first two questions above.  The second would chart my own effort – from working hard to slacking off completely.

But how do I boil all that down into a one sentence answer?

  • Q: Did you have a good week?
  • A: Yes thanks; it was hard to eat well on nights out and to find time to exercise but I worked hard and it paid off.
  • Q: Did you have a good week?
  • A: It was kind of boring but that made it easier to lose weight.
  • Q: Did you have a good week?
  • It was dreadful – my car/guinea pig/favourite shoes died.  I had no motivation at all to eat well or exercise and I gave into my emotions.
  • Q: Did you have a good week?
  • A: I had a fantastic week.  I had two dinners out and a short break in Paris.  I couldn’t get my head around eating well and had no time to exercise  so I didn’t lose weight – but it really was an amazing week.
  • Q: Did you have a good week?
  • A: Not really – it was boring.  I should have worked harder to take advantage of all the time I had but I just couldn’t find the will to work hard so I didn’t lose any weight.

OK.  Sorry for the excessive Qing and Aing but I needed to know for sure that, even though people are always going to use Good and Bad to talk about a diet – I can deflect and use other language.  At first it will be just language but, as with all things in this search for food/body sanity, it will eventually become how I think and how I act.

I just cannot have weight management define the quality of my life!

So here’s to a good couple of days in London.  I may not always be in control of where and when I eat, but I’m feeling motivated to make good choices and walk miles.

 
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I was going to write today that I felt lucky to be having a good week – not so much good, as EASY.  An easy week is one where I just don’t feel overly hungry but I do feel like getting out and moving.  And I consider it lucky because I can’t for the life of me figure out why I feel like that sometimes.

It’s not because I’m disciplined – I don’t need to dredge up discipline during “easy” times.

It’s not because of my good habits or my good thoughts or my  – my anything.  It just all seems to fall into place sometimes.

Did you notice that I said I was going to write etc etc.  Yeah, well.

I don’t know what causes “easy” weeks, but I sure know what ends them.

This morning the husband had to get up at stupid o’clock which made the furry creature think it was playtime and who wants to play all alone so let’s stand on Millie and see how hard I have to smash her skull with mine before she surrenders and gets out of bed.  By my reckoning, about 20 minutes.

So I’m TIRED.  And tired makes me want to feel full.  I don’t understand the connection but it’s definitely there.

And then there’s the continuing winter weather.  COLD makes me want to feel full, especially when I’m tired.

And, finally, I felt obliged to plan for a meal out tomorrow night.  If I hadn’t been cold and tired this might not have been problem -but somehow my crazy switch had been flicked and the process when something like this:

  • look for a restaurant that is local, cheap, tasty and suitable for gluten-free friend – never mind low cal.
  • find a restaurant that looks suitable except maybe for the low cal bit.
  • plan out food for today and tomorrow to see what kind of calories I might have to play with tomorrow night
  • panic
  • feel resentful
  • know that I could easily maintain this week but I’m in losing mode and I don’t want to screw up
  • feel more resentful
  • feel hungry – eat peanut butter out of the jar.
  • feel slightly better but still have the “What the Hell” feeling.
  • realise that I do not have it in me to eat very little just so I can eat a lot tomorrow night
  • eat more peanut butter – totally unplanned

Now I’m standing back and marvelling at how quickly I can go from “Lucky me” to “Oh crap”.

Aha!

I’ve just realised what flicked the switch:  I’ve committed to going to Weight Watchers on  Saturday morning.   All the negativity is because my WW scale crazies are taking over my sensible mind.

FACT: On my own scales, I’m more than 2 lbs lighter than I was last Saturday.

FACT: I’m not going to gain it all back eating sea bass at a Brazilian restaurant.

FACT: That weight loss might not show on Saturday morning.

FACT: I’m a bloody Gold Member who is several pounds below goal.

FACT: Just when you think you’re sane, along comes a scale moment and WHAM.

FACT: I’m fine now.  Time for a cup of tea.

Sanity restored.  Glad I’ve got this blog.

 
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I’ve not been writing because I’ve been too busy worrying. Sad but true. I function ok when I’m stressed – unless that stress is caused by worry. That is, caused by something that gets worse rather than better by trying to think it through.

I’m not a huge worrier by nature but I’m a persistent worrier when it takes hold. So that’s why I haven’t been blogging.

But here I am, pushing past the worry and still trying to get off these last few pounds. Of course, if I was really trying, they’d be gone. I’m only sort of trying………probably because worry lends itself to being squashed down with food.

For days I’ve been fighting the urge to eat and losing most of the battles so, yesterday, I decided to change tack and give into my need to feel full and not have to prepare much.

Here are the essential elements of my Worry Wort Diet:

  • bulky, filling food
  • carbs
  • alcohol
  • quick and easy to prepare
  • can be spaced out over the whole day
  • some sugar

Here’s today’s menu:

  • Porridge with blueberries and yoghurt
  • 2 mugs of coffee
  • 4 ryvitas (jam optional)
  • 4 mugs of tea
  • Covent Garden potato and leed soup
  • 3 or 4 clementines
  • baked potato with a tin of tuna and peas
  • raw carrots
  • red wine – 2 x 100 ml glasses
  • 1 mug of hot chocolate

I don’t have a huge amount of work to day while I wait for news on funding for 4 separate projects.  I live in from feast to famine on so many levels of my life.  Right now it just means that I need to keep busy, try to balance my time between things that need to be done and things that I want to do.

I won’t be blogging tomorrow unless a bit of late inspiration hits me on return from the hospital.

 
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It’s not as though I haven’t been thinking tons about what I’m doing and not doing – but the actual act of writing it all down has got lost in the tinsel, gingerbread and shopping lists.

I’ve put on two pounds which may or may not be “real”. I need vegetables but can’t find them in any satisfactory form at a reasonable cost.

I will be eating out three meals a day until Monday so commit to the following:

  • order smallest size of everything – it’s always enough
  • everything on the side – tastes better that way
  • don’t bother with desserts – they always disappoint
  • don’t even think about the baked goods that could accompany every single cappuccino

Enjoy the company
Enjoy the food
Get the shopping done!

See you on Monday.

 
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Once I fall into the Ditch of Little Effort I find it hard to get back to my more energetic life. The ditch is comfy and warm and…..well, fat-producing.

So I think I need a plan starting right now.

Porridge for breakfast – with yoghourt and blueberries – cooked on the stove and not the microwave.

Soup for lunch – there’s a butternut squash, onion and 2 potatoes in the cupboard under the sink just waiting for that destiny.

Dinner….turkey chilli I think – a batch should last a couple of days. Black beans, peppers and onions are already in the cupboard.

And some fruit. I’ll buy some oranges. Oranges are not good fruit for the lazy. Anyone living in the Ditch of Little Effort will not want to be bothered with the peeling palaver.

And I will walk today – as I’m not going to the city or waiting for the oven repairman, I’m going to walk along the seawall and maybe get a cup of tea at the local cafe.

So that’s a plan.
I can also:

  • go in search of Christmas decorations in the basement
  • clear out all the old baking supplies in my mom’s cupboards and replace with new
  • start the gingerbread house – but not buy the candy until ready to glue them on to the house
  • sort books and take them to the thrift shop
  • send the hundreds of begging letters back to their senders with a little note that the man they’re asking for money has been dead almost a year

I wish I could be more philosophical this morning and say wise things about losing weight and keeping it off, but, when I’m mired in laziness, the only way forward is a plan.  And it has to be in writing or it will dissipate in a sea of vague notions about what I ought to be doing.

Till tomorrow.  M.

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