I’m sagging a little beneath the weight of the crises of the people around me.  What I thought was going to be some time “away” has turned into time “sharing the burden” with the nearest and the dearest.

And for me, a melt-down once removed is still a melt-down.

However – the day following the shared melt-down was lovely and I found myself making decisions about what was going into my mouth rather than being caught in the stuff/regret cycle.

Went out for a late breakfast on Sunday and actually paid attention when told that the portions were huge and got only a half order of Eggs Flo-Benedict: one egg, one English muffin, piles of spinach, a sprinkling of feta and hollandaise on the side. Chuck on some non-greasy home fries and a couple mugs of coffee and I was ready for the rest of the day. I even left some potatoes.

If I’d had the whole portion, I probably would have eaten all the potatoes because, well, what the hell, eh?

Then we walked  – strolled really – but used our feet to cover a a few miles, mooch at the market, drift in and out of art studios, pottery studios, paper studios and, of course, the hat store where the daughter has been trying on hats since she could whine and point. Fun.

It felt good to take that baby step.  I’ve also managed to get back into my “no food on the ferry” routine.  There are cheap refined carbs at every turn in this place and it’s hard to always pass them by buy I don’t think I have a choice any longer.

Then, just when I was talking myself into the best pizza on earth, I found myself turning into the grocery store. Tired and hungry I headed straight for the candied salmon – a locally produced delicacy – and, for the first time read the nutritional information.  Four pieces have 180 calories.  I eat at least 12 pieces when I have it.  Maybe not the best choice.  Instead, I got some other locally smoked salmon for half the calories and a third the price and had a smoked salmon salad feast with a couple of new potatoes.  Lovely.

And the last baby step:  I bought no wine.

And on that note, I’d better run.

I love a good workout.

I can happily sit on the sofa for a week.

These are two truths that make it complicated to be me.  Or maybe everyone is like this.

I have always been sporty with or without extra weight.  I suppose that innate enjoyment of exercise is why I’ve never had more than thirty pounds to lose.  The amount of exercise I’ve maintained has ranged from almost nothing to obsessive levels.

• wandering around the house in search of food or the tv remote
• walking for everyday life – errands and shopping
• playing orgainsed team sports
• walking for fitness
• walk/jogging
• going to the gym once or twice per week
• going to the gym four or five times per week
• running miles and miles in order to burn calories

Can you sense the shift from depressed to sane to compulsive? I have a genuine fear of both extremes.

I read this quote today over on the Paul Plakas site:

Melissa Joulwan once wrote: “An athlete is someone who takes joy in movement. Who knows they feel better after their workout than they did before. They enjoy the first trickle of sweat because they know that the reward for stretching won’t be too far behind. It’s also someone that knows you don’t have to be on an organized sports team to be strong, to have enthusiasm, or to be a winner.”
There is absolutely no mention in the previous quote of a top-10 finish or a personal-record time achieved. No relevance to personal performance relative to others.

I relate to that and I love that little bit at the end.  It helps me crave moving my body without fearing the euphoria that always leads to a crash.  I want to find moderation and that sheer pleasure of feeling my heart and lungs working hard.  I don’t want the kind of exercise that traps me into a routine that gets ever more demanding, just to keep getting better and better results. Instead, I want “balanced life” exercise that leads to the freedom of having a healthy and leaner body.

So today is another “first day”.  Better get moving.

“Am I just lazy, lacking willpower?”    Donna started this conversation here.

Sometimes.  But mostly that’s the easiest way to interpret what’s really going on.   When I’m looking at any human problem (debt, health, fitness, unemployment etc), it’s much easier to think of my own simple solution then put the burden on the person with the problem with the words, “You just need to …….”.

And failure to take that advice makes the person with the problem look like they’re lazy and lacking willpower.  After all, I’ve offered a simple solution.

On a bad day, I can do the same to myself about my need to lose weight.  “You just need to ………..”  And when I fail, then I’m the big fat loser.  But, as Donna pointed out in her post, I know from the rest of my life that I’m not really that big fat loser.  In fact, I’m assuming that I’m the only person who ever thinks that about myself.

So what’s really going on?

Rather than lazy & lacking willpower, I think it’s safer to describe me as being reactive rather than proactive.  I’m an excellent problem solver – but that means I need a problem.

I don’t dust until I can write messages on the sideboard. I don’t clear out my sock drawer until I can’t find something.  Historically, I don’t do something about the way I eat and exercise until I have too much fat and too little fitness.  I problem solve then I slack off until I have to do it again.  Hence the dieting pendulum.

Hmm- a little self-awareness here!

In this area of my life, I need to break through my tendency to prefer fire-fighting and find a way to be proactive about how I eat and how I move my body.

More later.  Got to run the husband to the airport again.