emotional eating » Talking It Off

Worry is like Stress Only Worse

Feb 092010

I’ve not been writing because I’ve been too busy worrying. Sad but true. I function ok when I’m stressed – unless that stress is caused by worry. That is, caused by something that gets worse rather than better by trying to think it through.

I’m not a huge worrier by nature but I’m a persistent worrier when it takes hold. So that’s why I haven’t been blogging.

But here I am, pushing past the worry and still trying to get off these last few pounds. Of course, if I was really trying, they’d be gone. I’m only sort of trying………probably because worry lends itself to being squashed down with food.

For days I’ve been fighting the urge to eat and losing most of the battles so, yesterday, I decided to change tack and give into my need to feel full and not have to prepare much.

Here are the essential elements of my Worry Wort Diet:

bulky, filling food
carbs
alcohol
quick and easy to prepare
can be spaced out over the whole day
some sugar

Here’s today’s menu:

Porridge with blueberries and yoghurt
2 mugs of coffee
4 ryvitas (jam optional)
4 mugs of tea
Covent Garden potato and leed soup
3 or 4 clementines
baked potato with a tin of tuna and peas
raw carrots
red wine – 2 x 100 ml glasses
1 mug of hot chocolate

I don’t have a huge amount of work to day while I wait for news on funding for 4 separate projects. I live in from feast to famine on so many levels of my life. Right now it just means that I need to keep busy, try to balance my time between things that need to be done and things that I want to do.

I won’t be blogging tomorrow unless a bit of late inspiration hits me on return from the hospital.

“Take it Easy on Yourself”

Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Dec 092009

My default mode for “taking it easy on myself” is to let myself eat what I want and sit around watching endless tv or burying myself in a book avoiding the responsibilities that are pressing in on all sides.

Part of this Talking It Off process is resetting my default modes when it comes to behaviour that leads to weight gain.

So how am I going to lighten up and take care of myself during this stressful time?

I can let go of all those things that are sad or hard but that I can’t change. I’m not going waste another minute worrying about them.
I can live in the certainly that anything can be dealt with as it arises and not a minute sooner. This is a time of year to live in the moment and make the most of the process.
I can trust that Christmas is going to be great because of all the people coming together.
I can eat to nourish my body – not to insulate myself against the stress. It doesn’t work anyway.
I can set my sights on moving around and doing rather than sitting around and brooding.
I can allow myself to celebrate getting the little things done.
I can ignore the big picture for a while.
I can let other people share in taking responsibility for the collective happiness of the family.
I can just let go and trust.

OK – I guess it’s pep-talk season!

Discombobulation

Thoughts on the Process 3 Responses »

Dec 032009

Discombobulation is a technical term used by the Talking It Off community to define those times in life when things seem to be irretrievably tied up in knots.

After a few weeks of vague illness (an ulcer, perhaps, says my doc) and an inconclusive ultrasound and a booked mri and a flight across the world and a husband the same distance away from home but in the opposite direction, and a memory-impaired mother who has just realised that her husband is dead and……well, Christmas is coming, you know, and I am still the mother who must make it magic, the result is: Discombobulation. (with a capital D)

And I ended up in that weird place where I worry that I’m losing weight, not because I have been working harder than ever to drop the pounds but because I’m dying. The fact that I started having these fatal symptom AFTER the mention of the mri and not before makes my rational self want to slap my discombobulated self but I know if won’t do any good.

So instead, just for today, I decided to eat what I wanted – to wander round the grocery store and pick up anything I fancied and eat it in any quantity I chose. It was kind of freeing and I found that I DID still have an appetite and that I could eat quite a lot when I really wanted to. In fact, I ate enough at 2 pm that it’s 8 pm now and I’m still not hungry.

It wasn’t junk either – good bread and good pasta and good cheese. I also bought all the ingredients for making soup for the weekend. All good. And I feel a little less discombobulated.

I’m heading to the big city tomorrow so might try Blackberry blogging – or might just immerse myself in Christmas shopping. We’ll see.

Forgiving the Fat Child

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Nov 222009

Yesterday I wrote something positive on another site then felt bad all day. Surprisingly, I didn’t let that feeling lead to overeating but, on a different day, I might have. I see from other people that it’s pretty common to do some out-of-control eating after mentioning how well things are going. I also see that it’s common behaviour when things are not going so well.

Last week’s tiny loss after a perfect week felt awful and I had to fight the “what the hell?” feeling.

Yesterday’s loose jeans and cumulative loss felt great but talking about it left me with the same feeling.

I guess these are just learned responses over time. I’ve lost weight and put it back on so many times that I sabotage good results right away because, in my mind, it’s going to happen eventually anyway.

Because this is a lifelong battle, there is emotional junk related to being fat stuffed into all the corners of my inner self : playground insults, family teasing, horrible old ladies, and especially agonising teenage self-consciousness. I need to forgive all those versions of myself and let her know that the fat was really such a tiny part of who she really was. I need to forgive all those people – most of them were commenting because they wanted something better for me but didn’t know how to help. Except Sandra; she was just mean.

Seeing as it’s Sunday – I think I’ll get down to the business of forgiving right now. And I suppose Sandra should be top of the list.

NOTE: This isn’t where I thought this post was going. I thought it was going to be about learning to work hard whether I was happy or disappointed with whatever was going on with weight loss. I never know where this blogging thing will take me.

Afraid to Succeed

Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Nov 042009

I had a new thought occur to me yesterday, about why I sometimes fall into binges. Then on BCB this post really hit home. There’s a lot of good thoughts in that thread.

As I explain in that thread, it occurred to me that maybe I binge as a rebellion against trying to control everything in my life. Over the last month, I feel like I have no control over anything and it is seriously disturbing my calm. The renovations put my house into a mess, now work has us transitioning to new systems and I can FIND NOTHING!!!! Seriously, my reputation of knowing all and being able to do everything is in serious jeopardy. Which led me to wonder if my need to have control at all times is what is causing me to subconsciously go off track. My way of telling myself that it’s a little unhealthy to try to control everything and therefore I overeat to prove that I can’t really control myself. <sigh> I’m having a hard time explaining what I mean. The concept is just at the ends of my fingertips and I’m struggling to understand it.

I’m trying something new

Things to try 2 Responses »

Nov 012009

I’m starting a journal today. I’m going to try to write something every day and I’m going to try to make note of my feelings. An honest note of my feelings. That’s why I’m going to keep my journal to myself, if I post it out somewhere then there will be too much temptation to edit it for other people.

When I was posting on the Fab 40s Remedial site this summer, I was logging my food faithfully and staying on program. I’ve had to face the fact that maybe all those people who talk about journalling their feelings might be onto something. I’ve always kind of dismissed that, not for others but for myself. I didn’t think I was an emotional eater. Well, maybe I was just fooling myself. I guess I’ll find out. However, I think it will be good for me, even if it doesn’t help with controlling my food intake.

Recovery

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Oct 242009

I figure it takes me about two to three weeks now to recover from a serious tumble into a vat of sugar/fat/whatever.

This time it also took two weeks of awful stomach problems to force me into getting back into really good habits. Even giving up the wine has been easy because I feel so much better for it.

And what triggered the negative behaviour? Weirdly, it was Weight Watchers. No kidding. I went to my usual meeting and talked to the wonderful leader about changing the weight on my gold card. Eleven years ago, 142lbs was reasonable but not any more.

Once we’d decided on a new weight, she said in the most encouraging way, “That’s only three pounds away; you can do that easily. ”

Then I went home and ate. Sigh. It was probably the unfortunate colliding of the stress of the whole previous year, hormones, and self-imposed expectations – but what a stupid thing to do!

So I’ve now had five weeks of :

destructive behaviour (don’t have to describe that for anyone)

regrouping behaviour (starting the blog & talking to other Rems)

healthy and self-caring behaviour (properly journalling)

On the positive side, I used to measure those episodes in months or even years rather than weeks so there is definite progress noted.

I’m Feeling Better This Week

Thoughts on the Process 3 Responses »

Oct 202009

It’s really quite amazing the difference a few days make. Last week I was on such an emotional roller coaster and my eating reflected it. Rick commented several times that I seemed very down. At the time I just thought it was because I was upset about not having any real downtime during my vacation, plus a hangover from the previous weekend with all the company and the work that goes with it, plus still being unsettled due to the renovations in the house. However, now that I’ve had time to consider I wonder if I was also dealing with a menopausal hormone swing. You see, I can usually deal with all of the above much better than I did. It’s really not unusual for me to be busy during my vacation and the things I was busy with would normally not cause me to go into a funk. I loved having my in-laws visit so a full house at Thanksgiving wasn’t a hardship. What was wrong was my reaction to it all. Mood swings are not normal for me at all, so I have to think that maybe this one had help.

Well, whatever the cause it seems to have passed. I’m back to exercising and tracking my food and have stopped stuffing my face with whatever happens to cross my path. I must say that I prefer being on an even keel, I don’t enjoy the drama, even when it’s my own.

Unsettled-ness & Eating

Things to try No Responses »

Oct 192009

The past 13 months of my life have been the least settled of my life. With Mom’s accident in September, Dad’s death in January then the consequent disrupted life of a couple of months here in the UK and a few weeks there in Canada, I feel completely unsettled. Add into the mix, the husband’s many weeks away this autumn and it’s the perfect setting for a melt-down.

Having established that I’m better at fighting fires (reactive) than making phone calls (proactive), I’ve decided to push myself into the unknown and make a plan. Now I make plans all the time – but I don’t actually do anything about them because that would require being proactive. This time, however, I’m going to give it a try.

Actually, the “plan” is simply to notice what’s up with my body and my hunger and my emotions. I need a shake-up if I’m ever going to break through this last wall so I’m going to attempt something different. Last night I dug out an old notebook and am simply pausing every half hour or so to comment on how I’m feeling and what I’m doing. It’s just a matter of recording what’s going on in my head and heart with the goal of naming rather than eating that particular thought or emotion.

I imagine that I won’t be able to keep this up for more than a few days but I’m going to try it and see where it leads.

Stress Eating

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Oct 052009

On the oral allergy post, Donna wrote:

At the rather advanced age of 51 I developed a rather strange allergy – pressure urticaria. It seems that if I’m over tired or stressed, it flares up worse than usual. I’m trying to use it as a guage to tell me when I’m stressed but not acknowledging it. That’s something I’m really good at – not acknowledging that I’m stressed. I’ve always claimed that I don’t stress eat, but lately I’ve had to face up to the fact that I do. They seem to be intertwined, feeling stress but not wanting to acknowledge it, eating because I’m stressed but not facing the reason why I’m eating. I have to face the fact that I’m not super woman and it’s not a weakness to get stressed.

This was too important to leave as a comment. Aren’t we all in this situation? It kind of ties in with what I wrote on the Daily – acknowledging the problem without giving into or wallowing in it. It sure affects how I want to eat. I don’t think there’s an answer – just a constant practising of noticing the problem and either dealing with it or giving it away.

Thanks Donna.

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