Last Ten Pounds » Talking It Off

Being the Person I Want to Be

Oct 082010

I’m on a new “whole woman” kick with a handful of things to accomplish before I’m 50.

Read the bible through from cover to cover like a book. I’m almost through Numbers with the help of YouVersion as my home page and on my Blackberry. I’m using the 90 Day Plan but have adjusted the dates to give me till the end of April and it’s been an amazing experience so far.
Sort out the emotional eating – the one thing that trips me up again and again and again.
Grow out my dyed hair to its natural colour. It’s an adventure and I’m excited and terrified in equal measures.
Change my eating plan.

I’d better say a little more about that. I’ve realised that when I say I like “slow weight loss”, what I’m really saying is that I’m happy with the rhythm of losing some weight quickly then maintaining that loss for a while before finding the energy to do it all again.

When I did try “slow weight loss” with the Maintenance Diet, I got almost instantly frustrated by the lack of results. But I’m still very attracted to the idea of just eating for the size I want to be six months from now. That means settling for a pound and a bit per month, not per day or week. I want to be the person who can do that.

What would have to change for me to be that person?

I’d have to conquer the stress/boredom/any other emotional eating. Really.

I’d have to see my life as a whole – moving every day and really delighting in eating smaller portions.

I’d have to really really really knock the dieting tendency out of my life.

I figure that I haven’t lost anything lately partly because I’m just bored. I want to weigh ten pounds less than I do right now. My body is willing but my psyche just can’t be bothered to get all caught up in the thrills and spills of the “losing phase”.

So maybe I’m past it. Or maybe I need to ride out this phase and wait till I’m ready to go into losing mode again.

That’s possible – but, as 50 approaches, I’d rather be who I want to be for the rest of my life.

I want to be a person who doesn’t have to feel full all day – a person who eats to satisfy hunger, enjoy company, delight in tastes and textures. I want to be a vibrant person who doesn’t crave more calories than a body needs to stay slim and healthy.

I’m done rehearsing. I know all I need to know about myself and food. The challenge is to relax and trust myself and my body. And to keep moving.

So is this actually a plan? Does it have a form?

I’m going to put into practice, to the best of my ability, all the expertise I have in the area of cooking and eating good healthy food. The “controlling” factor won’t be a food journal but a desire to live well. That’s the bit that could go terribly wrong – but it will free up my time and energy for the next element.

I’m going to distract myself with things I want to do – writing, reading, doing things.

Keep moving on a daily basis – especially incorporate some weight training into my week. I’ve stopped running because I dread that “need” for the endorphins. But I miss them too. This all ties in with my dread of enthusiasm.

Three points is enough. I’ll stop by periodically but I’m going to do what I can to genuinely embrace Slow Weight Loss.

Getting Perspective

Last Ten Pounds, Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Jul 262010

I’ve taken a few days off – mostly because I’ve got deadlines – but partly because I needed to stand back for a bit to get some perspective.

I’m one of the few people I know who like installation art and one of my favourite installations is a collection of supposed fragments from a bombed out museum. In order to look at it, you have to get very close to see what the fragments are,

then you have to stand way back to get a sense of the enormity of the piece.

If you stand back even further and watch people looking at the installation, you see a sort of slow dance of people walking up to the wall then backing away, then up and back again and again.

And I think that’s what this blog has become: you can see me peering carefully at my behaviour and my motives for a while and then watch me take a few steps back to try to get to grips with the whole picture.

I’m in that last week of my 3 months in this country and have so many deadlines and appointments that my first plan of action is to crawl back under the covers.

My second plan of action is to walk carefully through the next few days, acknowledging that I’m stressed about meeting up with the liver specialist and stressed about getting my business finances in order and stressed about chasing up late payments (WHY do the larger institutions treat the little guys so badly?).

I also confess to feeling stressed about not being where I wanted to be with the weight loss – but really, there’s nothing I can do about that so I’m going to relax for the moment, stand back and take a good look at the big picture, ideally without the company of unrefined carbohydrates.

I will also go for a run or two or three despite the weather and despite my sincere desire to stay in my pjs and watch endless episodes of the Gilmore Girls.

Marriage Last 10lbs 18/42

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Jun 302010

Can’t linger…

It’s our anniversary and we’re going out for a wonderful calorie-laden meal tonight.

But I still have that 139 in my head.

But I DO NOT want that number to make me feel cranky.

The Dieter’s Dilemma.

So I’m not going to hang around here – but put on my running shoes and trot out the door for an hour.

And then enjoy every single bite of whatever I fancy. Possibly butternut squash and goats cheese lasagna followed by crème brûlée. And a large glass of wine.

Oh! But first I need be an old woman for a moment and list a few things that I’ve learned about staying married and in love. (And learned the hard way over these 26 years, I assure you.)

Saying please and thank you to each other for little things like making a cup of coffee.
Saying I Love You without any reason whatsoever.
Doing little things without thinking “but it’s not my turn….”
Knowing when to give some space.
Being physical in little ways and big. Sometimes sex IS the answer.
Knowing that hugs are often better than words when things aren’t great.
Allowing each other to blossom in life – and the blossoming one not leaving the other behind.
Living as though you’re joined together on a super long lead that you almost never notice.
Forgiving before it becomes an effort.
Praying together – it that’s your kind of thing.

On with the day.

Last 10 Pounds 9/42

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Jun 212010

The scale says I spent the weekend undoing all my previous hard work. I’m doubting that but it was a teeny poke in the ribs to wake up and do what I want to do.

Yesterday wasn’t superb as far as behaviour but I did haul my most unwilling body off the sofa and go for a 5 mile walk. I didn’t run at all and even my music was the stuff that I normally use for stretching and cooling down. I’m relieved to find that my new 5 mile route can be used for relaxing as well as killing my lungs.

But this morning I realised what has been missing for the past couple of days: I’ve been thinking about all the “shoulds” of this process but haven’t once thought about what it is that I really want. Not once.

So today I’m thinking about 139. That’s what I want. That’s what I want.

Here’s a London experience that shows how far I have to go with that.

The husband and I went to a pub where I settled on the patio and he went and asked for a glass of Merlot and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. They were surprisingly nice for pub wines. After dinner, I went to the bar and asked for exactly the same thing – only I came back with undrinkable swill. Honestly.

I furiously decided just to drink mine but the husband took his back and returned with a glass of the good stuff. It was a real crisis moment for me. I knew exactly what I wanted but I equally knew that I didn’t want to go through the hassle and embarrassment of getting it. I sat with the glass of wine for about half an hour before I finally got up the nerve. But I did it. I suffered the patronizing bartender (who had exchanged the man’s wine with an apology! grrrr) and I drank the whole glass even though I didn’t actually want it by then.

So this 139 project is a little part of a big thing in my life. I was raised by good people who were horrified by ambition of any kind and “getting what you want” just didn’t feature in life. Don’t misunderstand me – I don’t want to become selfish and this is all tempered for me with “God willing” and with a big concern for how my life impacts the lives of others. But not living up to your potential because you don’t want to look ambitious or successful is another kind of selfish.

So weight is big but what I’m working on has implications for the rest of my life too. 139 is a symbol for who I want to be.

A post-script thought which just hit me like a bolt from the blue:

For anyone inclined this way, have a look at Psalm 139. This is what draws the line between “realising potential” and “selfish ambition” and keeps 139 entirely in perspective.

Last 10 Pounds 7/42

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Jun 192010

The only reason yesterday wasn’t a disaster was that I had exactly the right food in the house and knew what I was going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The evening was notable for the disastrous football rather than disastrous eating so that’s something. I did have an extra glass of wine for medicinal purposes.

It seems that I’ve lost 1.8lbs this week. That’s just a fact – not a reason to do a dance. But it’s the right direction and it reflects my behaviour this week.

**********************************************************************************************************

Little stars mean the start of an unrelated thought. I wish I had little stars for talking – sometimes the conversational shifts are a little sudden.

One of my favourite things about Nutracheck is that, for a tiny monthly fee, I have permanent storage of my weight loss history for the past 2.5 years. Sadly, in an effort to create a “clean slate” I wiped out Jan-July 08 – but I know that I lost about 15lbs then put 10 back on. That gain was the turning point that prompted me to start writing about the process.

Once in a while it’s worth looking at the big picture.

Interruption: Why oh why do I feel guilty for not having to suffer as much as other people? Or rather, why do I feel I have to apologise for not letting myself become obese? I should be very proud of myself for stopping and turning and never going back to that high weight even during the most stressful 2 years of my life. Right. That’s official. I am genuinely proud of myself for not allowing my weight to get even more out of control than it was.

Interruption over.

The thing I learn most from the chart below is that I have a very very poor memory when it comes to my weight loss journey. I thought I was going to see that I’ve been below my current weight many times in the past 12 months. In fact, I’ve been bouncing around the same 5lbs since the end of November – not even seven months.

Is it too painfully obvious to point out that the gains happen during the breaks from journalling and, except for one Christmas/surgery episode, those breaks are when I’m in Canada? Apparently, I did something right last summer and didn’t gain anything during a 6 week break. I guess I’d better figure out what it was and do it again.

I truly thought I was stuck in a never-ending battle to lose the last 10 pounds. Turns out I’m not “stuck”; I just need to pay attention and be committed to maintaining when I take a break from trying to lose weight.

I use the word “just” as though it’s going to be easy. I’d better rephrase….It turns out I’m not stuck; I’m prone to getting lazy when I’m not in losing mode. So I will continue with the “hard work” even when I weigh exactly what I want to weigh.

And I will stop apologising to imaginary people for doing what I need to do to get what I want.

(And that makes me feel awkward just writing it.)

Sat 19 Jun 10	146.6 lbs	23.4 lbs	24.4
Sat 12 Jun 10	148.4 lbs	21.6 lbs	24.7
Sat 22 May 10 Break +4.5lbs	148.6 lbs	21.4 lbs	24.7
Sat 10 Apr 10	144 lbs	26.0 lbs	24.0
Sat 20 Mar 10	146 lbs	24.0 lbs	24.3
Sat 13 Mar 10	144 lbs	26.0 lbs	24.0
Sat 06 Mar 10	143.5 lbs	26.5 lbs	23.9
Sat 27 Feb 10	144 lbs	26.0 lbs	24.0
Sat 20 Feb 10	146 lbs	24.0 lbs	24.3
Sat 06 Feb 10 Break +4lbs	147 lbs	23.0 lbs	24.5
Sat 28 Nov 09	143 lbs	27.0 lbs	23.8
Sat 14 Nov 09	146.2 lbs	23.8 lbs	24.3
Sat 07 Nov 09	147.4 lbs	22.6 lbs	24.5
Sat 31 Oct 09	147.5 lbs	22.5 lbs	24.5
Sat 24 Oct 09	150 lbs	20.0 lbs	25.0
Sat 19 Sep 09	149.5 lbs	20.5 lbs	24.9
Fri 04 Sep 09 Break – same!	151 lbs	19.0 lbs	25.1
Fri 17 Jul 09	151 lbs	19.0 lbs	25.1
Fri 10 Jul 09	149.5 lbs	20.5 lbs	24.9
Sat 04 Jul 09	151 lbs	19.0 lbs	25.1
Fri 26 Jun 09	151 lbs	19.0 lbs	25.1
Fri 12 Jun 09	151 lbs	19.0 lbs	25.1
Sun 07 Jun 09 Break +2lbs	153 lbs	17.0 lbs	25.5
Fri 03 Apr 09	151 lbs	15.0 lbs	25.8
Sat 28 Mar 09	151 lbs	15.0 lbs	25.8
Mon 02 Mar 09	152 lbs	14.0 lbs	26.0
Tue 20 Jan 09 Break +5lbs	153 lbs	17.0 lbs	25.5
Tue 02 Dec 08	148 lbs	22.0 lbs	24.6
Mon 10 Nov 08	149 lbs	21.0 lbs	24.8
Mon 27 Oct 08	150 lbs	20.0 lbs	25.0
Fri 03 Oct 08	153 lbs	17.0 lbs	25.5
Sat 20 Sep 08	155 lbs	15.0 lbs	25.8
Mon 08 Sep 08	156 lbs	14.0 lbs	26.0
Mon 25 Aug 08	157 lbs	13.0 lbs	26.1
Mon 18 Aug 08	159 lbs	11.0 lbs	26.5
Mon 11 Aug 08	160 lbs	10.0 lbs	26.6
Mon 04 Aug 08	161 lbs	9.0 lbs	26.8
Mon 28 Jul 08	163 lbs	7.0 lbs	27.1
Mon 21 Jul 08	165 lbs	5.0 lbs	27.5
Wed 02 Jan 08	170 lbs	0.0 lbs	28.3

Last 10 Pounds 4/42

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Jun 152010

So.

Did I have enough calories for eating what I ate yesterday? Yes – with lots left over.

Did I binge? Nope – bingeing doesn’t happen often anymore.

Was I stuffed full? No.

Was I happy with my eating? Sadly, no.

In a normal “diet” just scraping by with the right numbers is fine. However, in the battle for food/body sanity, there are a couple of mindsets that still bother me and yesterday I fought one of them all day.

It was the, “I really want to do this but I’m going away so it’s going to be difficult so I might as well blow it today so blowing it tomorrow doesn’t ruin a nice break” mindset – or, slightly more pithy: “the sabotage now and avoid the rush” mindset.

It’s an old one and at least I know when it’s happening but it’s a mighty strong current which drags me towards more food and drink than I need. If I wasn’t battling to work hard and take off these last 10 pounds, then I suppose there would be no such thing. You can’t sabotage normal, can you?

But I’m under no illusion that I’m eating normally right now. I’m eating to lose weight while not making myself a social outcast and that’s a narrow road to walk.

So I survived yesterday but battled and battled and battled. I had also banked enough calories to allow myself a nice dinner out but have slightly dented that balance.

This has got to be short as there’s lots to do before we hit the road. I’ll report back on Days 5 and 6.

Last 10 Pounds 3/42

Last Ten Pounds 1 Response »

Jun 142010

Grumpy! But at least it gave me a chance to practice the 139 visualisation about 100 times. It was just one of those days where I normally would have eaten my annoyance with the world just because I couldn’t name the problem and fix it.

I still managed to eat reasonably, stay within calories and take a short walk. (I may still be a little grumpy.)

Emotional Essentials:

A long time ago I wrote about being ready to leave the “fat club” and I was and am still in that mindset. I no longer worry that I won’t have a place in the (almost) Universal Sisterhood. I’m happy about that because I think the fear of not belonging held me back for a long time.

However, I’m discovering during this last 10 pounds thing that I still have a weird worry. I don’t want to be succeeding when others are struggling. Bizarrely, I have no problem with struggling while others are succeeding. In fact, I usually find it encouraging.

Ha – I just searched this blog and came up with this post from February. I obviously identified the issue but didn’t work it through in real life. I guess that’s the story of my weight loss journey! It take so long to work these things through and out of my life.

So why do I still need people to know what a struggle this is? And it IS a struggle. But, if I lose weight and keep it off, I am fully aware that people will think I’m “lucky” and that irks me beyond belief.

AH…..insight! I am an affirmation junky and if people think I’m just “lucky” with my weight loss, then the results somehow mean less to me.

It reminds of a Hallowe’en many many years ago when my kids were 4 and 2. There was a serious pumpkin shortage – as in NONE at all in the grocery stores so I took the kids downtown and we went into some businesses which had piles of pumpkins in their window displays. My charming son (and I mean Charming with a capital C) did the talking and eventually wangled us a beauty.

In one shop, after we’d all said thank you to the manager who had refused our request, someone said to me, “You’re so lucky to have such polite children!” And I wanted to punch her. LUCKY????? YOU THINK I’M LUCKY? (I thought, quietly to myself.) My children’s manners had and have nothing to do with luck and everything to do with the relentless hard work of their parents.

Hmmm (the sound of more thinking) – I guess this blog is my way of proving to the world that this process is a struggle and that I will have earned every benefit of a smaller, fitter body.

If anyone thinks I’m lucky, I’ll just point them over here.

Last 10 Pounds 2/42

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Jun 142010

Yesterday was postitive for food and exercise and, interestingly, also postitive for house cleaning. Positive thinking does have positive results. So now I have sore muscles but a tidy bedroom and slightly less cat hair in the lungs.

Foodwise it was easy because it was just a repeat of the day before. Today, we shift the menu for two days. The two days thing has nothing to do with weight loss – it just reflects that fact that there are two people instead of four in the house so each normal recipe feeds us for two meals. Tonight, chilli with lots of vegetables.

There’s not a lot of insight to share because it’s still too early in the process. “Honeymoon” would be pushing it, but I’m still slightly in love with feeling in control. I’m still happy to eat the same breakfasts and lunches. When Grim Determination sets in, that’s when the real thinking begins.

So for now I’ll put one foot in front of the other and see where it leads me.

Challenge for the week: two days in London

Wednesday

breakfast: home- porridge
lunch: sandwhich on the road – ok – will pack
dinner: pub It’s a toss-up between stuffed red pepper and a burger with salad.
evening: wine – we’ll be watching the World Cup in a pub so there’s going to be alcohol. Just need to decide how much and stick to the limit.

Thursday

breakfast: ugh- not much choice. Wait! Can get porridge at Starbucks. That’s a plan.
lunch: ick – no choice at all. “Sh*t on a Stick” aka conference food. I’ll have a couple of nibbles and just stay hungry.
dinner: Will grab a latte or something for the car then eat when we get home in the evening.

So we’ll pack some oranges and bananas for snacking in the hotel and car.

And exercise? London is, for me, a city for walking so that’s what I’ll do. I’ve just had a look at the maps and I think I can fit in a couple of miles in the morning before the conference. Timing will be everything.

Finally – How’s the “139″ strategy working? Amazingly well for someone who doesn’t make much use of mental strategies. When I’m tempted to eat without hunger, I picture stepping on the scale and seeing “139″. Sounds too simple, and maybe I just haven’t felt tested yet. Let’s see how it works faced with a pub menu in London.

Last 10 Pounds 1/42

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Jun 132010

OK – This is not going to be exciting but it’s going to be part of the process for me over the next six weeks. Yes, I’ve set a goal and now a deadline! Talk about risky. But it has worked for me before and this isn’t the forever thing. This is getting off the last ten pounds.

Just as I did with the first ten pounds, I’m going to come here daily and report in arrears what I did to get closer to my goals.

Yesterday I’m pleased to say that my behaviour reflected where I want to go. That’s all I can ask of myself. I ate well, measured portions, journalled what I ate and stopped when I’d reached my daily limits.

Breakthrough moment: It felt like time for another glass of wine but I was really done with the calories. The husband hesitated to get another glass so I just asked him to get me a pint glass of tap water instead. And it was fine. I didn’t seethe with resentment that he could and I couldn’t. I just pictured that 139 and enjoyed my water.

The lovely irony is that I weigh half a pound more today than I did yesterday. If I was a newby at this and not aware of my normal daily weight fluctuations, I’d be upset. But it’s all about the BEHAVIOUR which will lead to the GOAL. The daily weighing is nothing more than interesting. If a week of positive behaviour doesn’t lead to a loss then I will change the behaviour.

Thanks to Nutracheck, I can go back and see exactly what I’ve done during weeks with steady losses and (no drum roll necessary) it’s daily exercise. I’m not at the gym anymore so I’m going to have to do a whole lot of trotting around the local streets. I’ve got routes mapped out from two to five miles and I can choose to walk only or walk/run them but I am going to keep moving.

Eating Essentials:

I have to have enough food at dinner to really fill me up. I can graze on little meals throughout the day but I want to eat once in the evening and call it a day. It mostly about the fact that the evening meal is social and I want to share in the sociability without feeling ostracised. And there’s nothing like a “diet plate” to make me feel left out.

Mind Essentials:

I sometimes have serious doubts about the validity of this blog because I’m no longer technically overweight and that same mindset has kept me from taking off these last few pounds. I feel embarrassed to be putting so much time and energy into something that is now just selfish. Not sure what to do with that except to shut up the voice with the fact that it’s still matter of health and well-being. Hmmm. Will need to think more about that.

Getting What I Want

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Jun 122010

I speak for women in general and myself in particular when I say that we’re not always very good at deciding what we want and going for it. I suspect that, for me, I don’t dare to be ambitious because the risk of failure is too high. There’s certainly an element of that in my professional life, but what about in my relationship with with food and my body?

Am I really afraid of failure? I have failed and survived to tell the tale so many times that it shouldn’t be a big deterrent. Maybe it’s that I’ve failed so many many times at this that I picture failure rather than success right from the outset. I say what I want but I picture all the reasons that I won’t get there.

I have no idea why this little insight has popped up today and not before. But it popped into my head when I was trying to think of what it is that I REALLY want right now from this body/food project and my thought was that I REALLY want to look at the scale and see a number that starts with 13…..

I hate to be that shallow. I hate to be that scale oriented. But still…..that’s what I want before I want to run 10k or have low cholesterol or a healthy waist size. And I do want all those things but they’re not what I REALLY WANT RIGHT NOW.

I want to weigh less than 140 pounds so I’m going to achieve it.

That’s a brave statement which, rather uncomfortably, leaves me open to failure.

It’s almost two years since I started heading towards something. My last post pointed out that the number I was heading for isn’t exactly where I want to be. But I didn’t say this: I’m afraid that, if I get to where I want to be, I might have to re-invent myself as a thin person.

When I was very nearly down to 140, my daughter looked at me and said, “I’ve never had a thin mum before and you’re a thin mum!” Of course, thanks to years of body image insanity, that sent me into a tailspin. Sigh.

So it’s what I say I want but I have to give myself time when I get there to adjust my own perceptions of who I am and what I think I should look like.

Will I have to re-invent myself? I just don’t know – maybe.

Will I have to find something else to blog about? I guess I could blog about reinventing myself as thin person.

Will I find out that people don’t really care one way or another how big or small I am? Probably.

But that’s all jumping the gun and worrying about the finish at the start line. Instead of worrying about what’s at the end of this journey, I’m going to focus on what I want RIGHT NOW. All day long I’m going to picture myself stepping on the scale and seeing the number 139. Simple. I’m going to plan, portion, journal and think about that number – not anything else – and see where it takes me.

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