Would I be better off just accepting myself as overweight and getting on with my life?  Or would I be better off just following a strict diet and taking the weight off without all this inner (and outer) dialogue about it?

These questions kept coming back to me yesterday – especially after Donna commented that she asks them too.

There was a time when I was doing either one or the other.  The “just accepting myself” swing would end when I realised that all that “acceptance” had led to a significant weight gain and all of a sudden I didn’t feel so accepting of myself.

The “diet” cycle was often much shorter and would end as soon as I’d lost a couple of pounds and wanted to get back to “normal eating” – which meant “accepting” myself and gaining weight.  (I won’t talk you through the whole ride.)

So what happened in July 08 with Mardee’s post was a first attempt to Stop the Pendulum (roller coaster, dance of death – not really – just that alliteration thing again) .  After more that a year, I can’t say that the pendulum has come to a standstill.  I can say, however, that it’s lost its extremes.

I no longer live between the euphoria of weight loss and the wilful internal insistence that “I’m ok” even while watching my health and fitness deteriorate.

Some would insist that, as long as I’m altering my food intake to lose weight, that I haven’t given up dieting, but they’d be wrong. In no specific order:

• I have given up the language of dieting – “I was good today” has nothing to do with carrots consumed.
• I have given up my dependency on the thrill of seeing the pounds come off.  The is a big-picture, whole-life thing.  I can be proud of myself for working hard and caring for myself.  That might or might not be reflected in my clothing size.
• I’ve given up searching for an external answer – a program or a book that will make it all better.
• I’ve also given up replacing one addiction with another.  I don’t swing from mindless eating to mindless exercising.
• I no longer see food as the enemy in my life – but as a positive thing that I need to be mindful about.
• If I have a “bad day”, it’s because something has gone wrong in my life.  Sometimes I eat inappropriately to deal with the emotions that a “bad day” brings up.
• I accept that carbs are comforting.  So is a long walk. So is sex.  So is a good book.  Sometimes I’ll choose carbs.
• I no longer think in terms of “falling off the wagon” – a healthy life cannot be all or nothing.  I’m just fine having days that are “almost but not quite”.
• I’m no longer looking to recapture something that I’ve lost  – a size, a weight, a feeling that I had about myself.  Instead, I’m looking forward to what’s next and “what’s next” starts now, not when the scale or my jeans tell me.
• I’m no longer afraid of not belonging to the “dieting club”.  I’m almost always ok if people don’t understand by just looking at me that I have a fraught relationship with food and my body.  (Note the “almost always” and see below)
• This isn’t something I’m going to do for a few weeks then “get back to normal”.  This is life – so I’d better enjoy it.

I’ll probably come up with more of those as the day progresses.

As I wrote those, I had glimmers of the things that I still need to work on.

• Even though I talk a good game, I am definitely more motivated by vanity than health.
• I harshly judge people who are morbidly obese.  I find it very hard to get past the fat and connect with the person.
• My body size still sometimes affects my self-esteem.

And just to emphasise the complexity of the issue, even while I judge myself and others for being overweight,

• every once in a while I’m still afraid that my being thin would cause people to view me in a negative way.  I guess I have a fear of people thinking that I have it all together.  Fat is safe sometimes.

So I’ll keep on talking until I can get past those things too.