I used to think that, if I could just get the weight off, I could be the kind of person who has a biscuit tin and takes a biscuit or two with a cup of coffee then puts them away.

I’m pretty sure now that vision of my future self is never going to become real.  Instead, I’ve faced up to the fact that I’m a problem eater and biscuit tins won’t ever be playing a part in caring for my future self and keeping weight off.

Why?   It’s probably a lot to do with having been comforted with food during stressful family times as a child.  My mom certainly ate her feelings.  When my children cried, she offered them “Ice-Cream Therapy”.  I have no hard feelings about that at all because I’m also counting on the fact that love transcends flawed parenting.  We all have our stuff.

But identifying a problem doesn’t make it go away.

Years ago I read a book called The End of OverEating which advocated having all the tempting food on hand to normalise it.  No more Good Food and Bad Food.  It acknowledged that people would probably put on a bit of weight then just get used to the idea that all food was available at all times.

I’m afraid it wasn’t a great experiment for me.  And these days, the idea just makes me angry – why should anyone be encouraged to eat all manner of crap in the name of “self-care”?  Yikes.  OR…..being honest, maybe it just scares me.

The problem for me isn’t Good and Bad food.  If I really want chocolate, I usually buy a 35g bar of Green and Black.  (I used to buy a 100g bar or a huge bag of Maltesers so that’s some progress.)

The problem is that no bag, pack, box ever goes unemptied.  Ever.

Is it because I DO think of it as Bad and have to get rid of it?

Is it because I think of it as “the last” because I’m going to be “Good” tomorrow?

Is it just because I’m greedy?

My intellect shouts NO!  But my heart cringes a little at those questions.

OK – as I’ve been typing I realise that I REALLY want to be the kind of person who can have a cookie jar and not empty it in an evening.  One day, I want to be the grandma who can bake and not look like she bakes.  So rather than just cave into the “problem eater” thing, I want to make progress towards that.

But that’s another post.