stress and eating » Talking It Off

Stress Management – Last 10lbs 24/42

Jul 062010

I think I need to chill out and declare this a maintenance week.

I’m not giving up. I’m not caving in. I’m not bingeing.

I am acknowledging that I’m stressed to the gills and keeping tight reins on the calories is just asking for a volcanic eruption of rebellion and frustration. So, and this is an interesting so for me, I’m going to eat a bit more every day.

That’s more than I need to eat to lose weight – but not more than I need to live.

This is the first time I’ve attempted this as a means of stress management. Usually I just say, “What the hell”, and eat until the week starts again or the stress lets up or until I gain the weight back and have to do it all again.

So I’m eating to manage stress this week which means not letting myself get too hungry and not worrying if I eat an extra piece of bread or 10 extra grams of peanut butter. It doesn’t mean eating a tub of ice-cream.

It also doesn’t mean becoming a slug. I hate to admit that anyone is right (besides me) but I have to acknowledge that I feel so much better when I get out and stress my legs and lungs and heart. I’m up to 11 miles this week and will try to do another 5 before Saturday.

I’ve got 3 deadlines to meet this week as well as a training I haven’t yet planned, a birthday dinner and a hospital appointment and it’s all making me not sleep very well. So I will care for my body, spend time with people I love, work hard and RUN.

I won’t be thinking of 139 this week – but I also won’t weigh more than 148 when it’s all over. And I will get it all done and wake up on Saturday feeling 100 pounds lighter, even if I haven’t actually lost any weight.

Promise. I refuse to go backwards because of stress.

I Thought I Had It

Things to try, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Mar 282010

The answer. I thought I had an answer to the question of “feeling fat” but it turns out I only had some disjointed thoughts that didn’t sound all that sensible once written down but I may try later.

Instead I’ll bore on about stress management.

Yesterday went quite well as far as stress relief and food went.

I walked and sorted out a few little niggling things.
I bought enough food for two days – food that I can look forward to and that requires some preparation.
I talked to the absent husband.
I let myself get hungry then enjoyed feeding my body rather than my feelings.
I did have a glass of wine but it was to go with dinner rather than to “relax”.
I made some decisions.
I snipped off a couple of dead branches in the garden.

Oh I hate reports of the “What I Did” variety – so here’s the incomplete thought about “feeling fat”. I can’t trust what I see in the mirror, how my clothes fit, what the measuring tape says, the number on the scale. When I’m determined to “feel fat”, the only thing I can do is ask myself which direction my behaviour with food is leading me.

Am I heading toward my goal of health and sanity or am I heading away from it?

Rather than putting any faith at all in “feelings” about these things, I am only going to assess how I’m acting.

Am I more sane or less sane than I was yesterday?
Am I more full or less full than I was yesterday?
Have I moved more or less than I did yesterday?

And there can only be one of two responses: I can keep doing what I’m doing because it’s positive or I can change what I’m doing because it’s negative.

I don’t get to beat myself up or wallow in temporary satisfaction. I bang on about hating when other people attach being “good” and “bad” to talking about eating but I realise that I do it in my head all the time.

Little steps on a long journey.

No Doubts

Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Mar 272010

Thanks to daily weighing, I can now safely say without a doubt that eating and drinking too much and moving too little lead to weight gain.

Yes,

I know,

D’UH.

But there are still weeks when I’d like to “get away with it”- defy nature, as Donna said.

Bizarrely, until I typed the words “defy nature”, I had forgotten what I’d written about just a few days ago. It must be something that I really need to process in order to get over this period/slump/quagmire.

On a positive note, I am certainly more body aware now than I was a couple of years ago. A “slump” like this would last months or more and I wouldn’t step on the scale until my weight was into the 160s – or the 170s as in January 2008.

So I’m happy that I get this feeling at 146. I promised the women over at BCB that I wouldn’t weigh more than 145.8 by the time I got to my specialist’s appointment at the hospital next week. Rather than set that as a distant boundary, I used it as a safe target so that I could give myself permission to eat and drink my stress away. As of this moment, I no longer have that permission.

I have permission to walk off my stress.
I have permission to bubble bath my stress away.
I have permission to curl up with a good book – and there’s one by my bed.
I have permission to work.
I have permission to drink large mugs of tea if I need to feel warm and full.

I don’t have permission to bake and eat.

I don’t have permission to eat more than enough for one person.

I don’t have permission to open another bottle of wine.

And the reason I’m banishing those things is NOT because I want to live some joyless life, but because I simply need to cope with stress in other ways. I know what the other ways are, but I never give them enough of a chance to become real tools in my life. They are always food substitutes rather than real stress-relievers. I want to get my mind to the point that I think of walking or reading when I feel stressed. Right now I think of walking or reading or bubble bathing as something to combat the urge to eat – not something to calm the worry.

Well that was revealing so I’m going to say it again but louder:

Right now I think of walking or reading or bubble bathing as something to combat the urge to eat – not something to calm the worry.

I am going to find foodless drinkless tools for combatting stress. Maybe I should crack that Beck book finally to see if I can make some permanent changes in my thinking.

Happy Weekend.

When Indeed….

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Mar 212010

Donna wrote this the other day and I’ve been saving it for a post:

We have such a strange relationship with food. We know that we can eat quite large amounts of ‘good food’ (veggies, fruits etc) and we can also eat small amounts of ‘bad food’ (chocolate, fast food, wine). Instead of being content with that, we throw a temper tantrum because we want to do the reverse, i.e. eat small amounts of the good food while consuming large amounts of the bad food, and then we’re surprised when we gain weight. Please note that when I say ‘we’ I really mean ‘I’. When am I going to make peace with reality and stop testing to see if the laws of nature have changed just because I want them to?

Can I ask that one again in two parts?

When am I going to make peace with reality?
When am I going to stop testing to see if the laws of nature have changed?

Making peace with reality:

Over the past couple of years I’ve made peace with a couple of food/body realities:

My shape is my shape and nothing is going to change that. And it’s not a bad one. As the husband says, “No matter how much you weigh, you HAVE a shape and that’s good.”

Clothes are not going to automatically look good despite a smaller body. I no longer dream of wearing things that aren’t naturally going to suit my body shape. And that’s ok.

The “when I’m thin” fantasies of old are just that. I’ve got a thinner 48 year old body – not the thinner 21 year old body that I somehow used to see when I thought about the future me. I’m making peace with my belly because, though smaller, it’s here to stay.

My personality is such that I don’t always take the straightest, shortest route on any journey and that includes the one to food/body sanity. I’m ok with lots of detours and a longer than necessary journey – though I am getting a bit fed up now that I’m down to the last few pounds and I seem to be rolling backwards.

I simply can’t sustain enthusiasm for any length of time but that doesn’t mean I have to be fat and out of shape. I’m tend to live a feast or famine life – with spurts of energy for things like cooking and exercise. I just need to make sure that boring daily life involves getting off the sofa and filling my body with healthy food – even if it’s all done a bit lazily sometimes. There will always come a time when I want to run again.

Well – more peace in this life than I thought!

And what about wanting to change the laws of nature? Donna really pin-pointed an issue for me. It’s not an everyday thing but it certainly affects me when I’m feeling stressed about the unknown. No matter how many other things I seem to have got to grips with, when I want to relieve stress, I think about feeling full. And I don’t stop to think about all the possible foods that could have that effect. I instantly think of carbs and fat – rice and butter, bread and peanut butter, cheese and crackers, oats/ sugar/butter in any combination.

I don’t think of a large salad with a tin of tuna and some balsamic dressing. That would be filling and good and healthy but my dysfunctional brain can’t imagine it having the same comforting effect as oatmeal cookies or flapjack.

And when I’m feeling that no other food will do, I am completely oblivious to the laws of nature that state that, if I want to lose weight, I need to compensate for those calories somehow. Maybe even thinking about that would somehow take away the soothing effect of the food. It would break into that (very) temporary state of peace and ruin the whole point of the exercise.

To be honest, my inner stress eater scoffs at those people who suggest that a bath or a walk is as effective as food for stress relief even though I know it to be absolutely true. A bubble bath with a magazine is a major de-stresser. A run on a spring day has a huge mood improving effect. But I still want cheese and crackers. And I still want to lose weight.

And so I keep thinking and writing and making daily/hourly/minutely decisions about how this process is going to go.

All advice welcome- though most of it will probably be ignored because I seem to need to learn the hard way.

Post #154 – Cool Eh?

Things to try No Responses »

Mar 182010

I didn’t notice #150 passing by so thought I’d pause to celebrate this milestone. (pause, celebrate)

I got my hospital appointment for April 1st – two weeks from tomorrow. I was doing pretty well up to that point but now I just feel sick. Silly, really, because nothing is better or worse than before. Whatever is or isn’t wrong with me still is or isn’t wrong. In my logical world I get that. But in my crazy head, I still feel worried.

Deep breaths.

I stumbled over this BBC article from a couple of weeks ago. In my limbo state, this is exactly the kind of certainty that I would like.

swab
test
You should eat this amount of protein and this amount of carbs and this amount of fat for maximum, effortless (I added that – it’s my fantasy) weight loss.

Simple.

I need simple right now.

I’m off to London for a couple of days. It’s work but it should be distracting. The husband is coming with me – mostly because I don’t think he likes the idea of me careening down motorways at 80 mph when I’m stressed. I have pointed out that I did it last week just fine but I’m happy for the company. (And, actually, my driving was a bit loopy last week but I haven’t told him that.)

I’ve rebelliously put together a one hour workshop that does not contain even one powerpoint slide so I’m going to leave my laptop at home and read a book if I have any downtime.

Till the weekend then.

Stress and Hunger 2

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Mar 172010

Here’s what happened yesterday:

I’m going to try to update this throughout the day.

Things that are stressing me:

planning a workshop in a vacuum – ie don’t know how many people or what they already know

need to call the bank – no reason at all that this should be stressful but it is

need to chase up a hospital appointment that I have already called about twice. I hate being a pest. I hate sounding like I think I should be treated any differently than anyone else – but I also need to plan my next three months.

It took ages to get dressed, help the husband with some i.t. stuff, eat breakfast and face the BLANK PAGE that will be a superb one hour workshop.

10 – hungry – porridge, blueberries, yogourt

10:30 – call bank and cancel gym direct debit. I am now a runner rather than a rower. Better make the most of this weather

10:45 – a little hungry (why?) and a lot stressed – Make a mug of tea, move laptop into sunny kitchen, open French doors and breathe.

11:20 – suck it up and call hospital. She hasn’t had a response to her email. WE ALL KNOW THAT NO ONE RESPONDS TO EMAILS! (I did not yell this – I was very polite and very calm) “Oh yes”, she replies, “You’re the lady who wants to go on holiday.” IF IT WAS A HOLIDAY I’D CHANGE IT! ( I did not yell that either – I said it with a smile in my voice in a vain attempt to elicit sympathy.) I think she’s emailing again with a ! and we all know how ignorable those are. I don’t hold out much hope. I still gushed my thanks for all her help even though I now feel like crying.

SO still stressed. But not eating. The cracker container is still closed. I might have a banana.

11:30 very small banana

12:25 – got tired of waiting for squash to roast – 2 crackers with tiny weeny bit of butter.

12:45 – roast butternut squash

12:55 – not hungry but not full – 2 more crackers

Light Bulb Moment! I’m not craving carbs but FAT. Hence the butter on the crackers or peanut butter. OK so I’m craving fat but I don’t actually want to eat any more fat. What am I going to do?

I’m going to have another mug of tea and get on with my work.

2:00 Have worked a whole hour and not thought about food. Still not hungry but antsy. I would like to have a reason to go out for a walk. Perhaps I will invent a reason.

2:30 Sociable cup of coffee with the husband – now bit wired.

3:30 off to find food for dinner. I’m thinking roast chicken. We’ve got little potatoes and carrots.

Tuesday Morning

So I did go off to buy groceries but stopped by a clothes store first to do some therapeutic trying on. My bottom half can wear skinny. My top half cannot. Oh well.

Got home around 5 and…….fatal error- poured a glass of wine.

The food for the evening was ok but I’m noticing a very important dynamic in my family. When both the husband and I are stressed, no one has the drive and discipline to make sure that we’re eating very well. When we’re both on form, we plan, shop, prepare and clean up with energy and ease. When we’re both stressed, we open a can of corn and call it “vegetable”. We drink more than half a bottle of wine between us and the dishes are often sitting by the sink at bedtime. Instead of him dragging me off for a walk, we both watch the most ridiculous television that we both hate.

Reminder: All of these things are choices. What am I going to choose today?

Stress and Hunger

Things to try No Responses »

Mar 162010

This whole battle can be boiled down to

what?
when?
how much?

My normal “weight loss” day should look like this:

7 am – noon: 2 mugs of coffee, porridge, mug of tea, banana

noon – 6 pm: soup and crackers or cottage cheese and fruit, a couple of clementines, mug or tea

6 pm – bedtime : dinner with lots of veg, some carb and protein, a glass of wine, mineral water, decaf tea

My recent, “I can’t be bothered” day looks more like this:

7am – noon: 2 mugs of coffee, porridge, mug of tea, cracker with peanut butter, banana

noon – 6pm : soup and crackers or cottage cheese and fruit, a couple of clementines, piece of cheese, mug or tea, crackers, crackers, a couple more crackers.

6pm – bedtime: dinner with lots of veg, lots of carb and protein, 3 glasses of wine, mineral water, tea, crackers with butter & jam

The difference between losing weight and not is a few crackers, a bit of cheese, a dollop of peanut butter, a couple teaspoons of butter and some extra wine.

What’s with me and crackers?

The bigger question is what’s with me and needing to feel full when I’m feeling stressed?

Today I’m going to experiment with noting both my emotional feelings and my hunger levels throughout the day. I’m going to see what happens when I’m both stressed and hungry. I wonder if I really do just cease to exist? Or explode? Or fade away to nothing?

If I’m not back here tomorrow, you’ll know.

Excuses Excuses Excuses

Keeping Going No Responses »

Jan 202010

Yesterday, on BCB I wrote:

I got jumped in a dark alley by hormones.

I’ll be back when I can think straight.

Millie

And Donna gave me a brilliant response:

…your post raised some questions that I’ve had before but never had a chance to ask. How can a person (meaning me) tell the difference between wanting to eat because of hormones, wanting to eat because of stress and just plain looking for an excuse to eat. Or does it really matter? Does one deal with all 3 issues in the same way, or would there be a different way to deal with hormonal cravings than there is for inner brat cravings?

So, yesterday, did I succumb to hormones, stress, or my greedy-piggy self? May I also add that I was coming down with my first virus for a year and now have a nasty head cold? And that it was the first January 19th of my life when my dad wasn’t here for his birthday?

So we’ve got a whole wide range of reasons/excuses now!

hormones

stress

inner brat/greed

a cold

grief

On reflection……..I ate because I wanted too. Even as I was preparing a highly calorific treat or shoveling in overly large portions of otherwise healthy food, I was thinking how good it will feel to be eating right and moving.

Is that just me? Can everybody else fantasize about going to the gym while eating home baking?

Well – at least I know how far I still have to go: a LONG way.

As the husband is now away for 10 days, I’m going to take this time to reduce my options by eating the same things for breakfast and lunch and get back into the groove of smaller portions. When the exploding head recovers a little, I’ll get back into walking and rowing.

As for the hormones: I DID feel as though I were standing beside myself for a couple of days. It was very odd and something I’ve only experienced once before. I didn’t feel as though my body was my own. But did I respond by eating well and exercising? Did I bother to do the very thing that I know will help restore balance to my life? No. I poured a glass of wine, ate bread at every meal and finished it all off with sugar. I did the very thing that I know will make everything worse.

OK -It’s clean slate day. And clean fridge day since I ate everything in it yesterday.

And I will do my taxes and banking today so that they’re not hanging over my head.

And to answer Donna’s question, in my experience, hormones, stress and inner brat all need to be handled with the same positive eating and moving behaviour.

Ditto a cold and grief.

Next time I will come here and write about it before the eating gets out of hand.

Consuming and Consumed By

Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Jan 082010

Well…..

While I was neatly lining up my ducks in a row for 2010, I failed to recognize the shadow that was creeping up behind me, the great beast made up of all the ingredients that add up to food/body insanity if I don’t take care. Plus a loaf of very good bread.

So while I’m “la la la la la”ing looking out the front window at the tug boats chuffing by, I fail to notice that I’m really really stressed about -

getting some stuff on paper for a proposal

I can blog forever, email friends, write letters even, but as soon as it becomes “official” – usually with a form attached – I develop a procrastinate at any price attitude. Bread stuffs down work stress.

saying good-bye

My mom and I live 5,000 miles apart and every time I say good-bye it’s heart-breaking. I know that my visits make her days happier. I also know that one day it’s going to be the last good-bye. Bread stuffs down sadness and guilt.

sorting out my social life

At the beginning of my six week visits I am great with making plans. By the end, I seem to crave solitude. But I want to see people. Bread stuffs down mixed emotions.

stuff to do

By this point, anything that puts an expectation on my time – especially work that I should have done a week ago – seems a disproportioned burden. Bread stuffs that down too.

If I had a do-over for the past few days, it would have started at the grocery store where I first spied that loaf of wonderful granary bread. I would have left it on the shelf and bought more soup. Of course, it’s not the bread itself that is “bad” – it’s the way I consume it and why I consume it that propels me into less and less sane food behaviour.

After avoiding the bread, I would have come here to write about the stuff that was probably going to derail me over the next few days. I’ve done this SO many times that I do know what’s coming.

Then, having expressed my worries and pressures, I could have dealt with my desire to stuff them all down with bread. I might even have taken a walk instead.

OK – I must remember to read this in the spring when I’m packing up to go home again.

Checking In

Things to try, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Dec 182009

It’s not as though I haven’t been thinking tons about what I’m doing and not doing – but the actual act of writing it all down has got lost in the tinsel, gingerbread and shopping lists.

I’ve put on two pounds which may or may not be “real”. I need vegetables but can’t find them in any satisfactory form at a reasonable cost.

I will be eating out three meals a day until Monday so commit to the following:

order smallest size of everything – it’s always enough

everything on the side – tastes better that way

don’t bother with desserts – they always disappoint

don’t even think about the baked goods that could accompany every single cappuccino

Enjoy the company
Enjoy the food
Get the shopping done!

See you on Monday.

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Post #154 – Cool Eh?

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