I think I need to chill out and declare this a maintenance week.

I’m not giving up.  I’m not caving in.  I’m not bingeing.

I am acknowledging that I’m stressed to the gills and keeping tight reins on the calories is just asking for a volcanic eruption of rebellion and frustration.  So, and this is an interesting so for me, I’m going to eat a bit more every day.

That’s more than I need to eat to lose weight – but not more than I need to live.

This is the first time I’ve attempted this as a means of stress management.  Usually I just say, “What the hell”, and eat until the week starts again or the stress lets up or until I gain the weight back and have to do it all again.

So I’m eating to manage stress this week which means not letting myself get too hungry and not worrying if I eat an extra piece of bread or 10 extra grams of peanut butter.  It doesn’t mean eating a tub of ice-cream.

It also doesn’t mean becoming a slug.  I hate to admit that anyone is right (besides me) but I have to acknowledge that I feel so much better when I get out and stress my legs and lungs and heart.  I’m up to 11 miles this week and will try to do another 5 before Saturday.

I’ve got 3 deadlines to meet this week as well as a training I haven’t yet planned, a birthday dinner and a hospital appointment and it’s all making me not sleep very well.  So I will care for my body, spend time with people I love, work hard and RUN.

I won’t be thinking of 139 this week – but I also won’t weigh more than 148 when it’s all over. And I will get it all done and wake up on Saturday feeling 100 pounds lighter, even if I haven’t actually lost any weight.

Promise.  I refuse to go backwards because of stress.

My long awaited specialist appointment can be summed up in the following conversation:

Me: Can you explain the ultrasound results?  My gp said they were unusual.

Doc – with many many years of training:  No. We can explain the usual but not the unusual.  That’s why it’s unusual.

Ok, thanks.  He was actually a good, non-patronising human being but he also wasn’t going to tell me there was nothing to worry about.  Instead, and I quote again, he said, “There is both worry and no worry”, which I’m pretty sure translates to, “It could be something; it could be nothing”.

SO. ……my big challenge is to live as though it is nothing,  even though that not-so-little-voice is BOOMING in my ear that it bloody well could be fatal.  You see my challenge.

So now I’ve said it, I’m going to write as though everything is fine and I will keep doing that until I know something to the contrary.  That’s called “Faking It” and it’s not one of my born talents.  I prefer blabbing out the truth of the matter even if it’s not warranted in that situation.  But this time I’m going to hold it in – or at least express it sparingly and in the right arena.

In the process, I’ve got to get over the feeling that I’m an idiot to concentrate on losing weight if I’ve actually got something seriously wrong.  I actually had a conversation with myself at the gym yesterday and came to the conclusion that I should lose weight and get fit ESPECIALLY if I’ve got some physical thing to fight.

Well, another “duh” moment on this journey.

Tomorrow – WW weight loss cards: the story of my life.