I have found the “tare button” on my weight loss week and though I know there is a crate-load of calories already in my journal, I have “zeroed” it for my sanity.

Last week I came to the conclusion that the only way to avoid sugar was to avoid sugar. (Deep, I know).

So how did I end up with the leftovers of a baked cheesecake in my fridge for 24 looooooong hours?

I was being nice, and sensible and rational, honest.  But while I can be all those things when other people are around, I find it hard to find reason when I just want to cram cheesecake down my gullet.  It’s not nice or sensible but it’s reality.

Fact: I love baked cheesecake but I don’t think about it.

Fact: I have not once in the past, oh, twenty years craved cheesecake, made cheesecake or bought cheesecake.

Fact: Proximity makes a mockery of avoidance.

I’m not sure that last sentence makes sense but I like the sound of it.  The FACT is that having a cheesecake in my fridge over-rides the fact that I don’t have any particular desire to ever eat cheesecake.

I believe this alone points to a diagnosis of disordered eating.  And no matter how “ordered” I have managed to get my eating over the past 2 years, I can fall into a vat of cheesecake with the most disordered of disordered eaters.

Have I said cheesecake enough?

I think it’s out of my system now so I won’t say it anymore.

And I’m going to take a break from weekday wine for a bit too.  It’s time to get more nutrition for my calories.  But more of that tomorrow.

The anniversary dinner was wonderful. I did have the butternut squash and goat cheese lasagne which was served with a perfect salad with a few olives for a little salty in all that creamy. I just shouldn’t have had the dessert – not because I regret the calories, but because anything that rich now makes me feel quite sick. Must remember to SHARE or just have a decaf cappucino and be done with it.

Live and learn – again and again and again.

Yesterday someone asked how I managed to avoid sugar.

My thought was, “I don’t know”. I mean, I still look longingly at giant bars of Green&Black’s butterscotch chocolate and know that I could eat a whole one in the car on my way home from the grocery store. (It’s been done.)  I ate a HUGE piece of Billy Miner Pie at my birthday dinner and could probably still eat ice cream for breakfast without too much encouragement. I definitely make and eat “medicine” (our name for chocolate/oat/peanut butter treats) when I’m hormonal.

That said, I guess I don’t really crave sugar very often but it wasn’t a cold turkey type of thing.  Instead, I think we’ve made small changes over a long time. Here are all the things that may be making a difference:

• We haven’t eaten dessert for years and don’t miss it at all. It just doesn’t figure in our food planning.

• I talked myself out of all but fairly traded chocolate when the issue of child slaves came to light.  That means I have to go and find it in the chocolate aisle so there’s none of that last second picking up chocolate at the till.

• I talked myself out of hydrogenated oils so out went almost any packaged baked goods.  That means cookies have to be baked rather than pulled out of the package.

• I figured out I was reacting to artificial sweeteners so stopped all diet drinks. No more rashes and cystic spots on my chin.

• I realised that apparently healthy cereals like Bran Flakes and Special K are sweet enough that I need to treat tham like cookies.  In fact, I just avoid them alltogether in favour of porridge in the morning.

• White breads and pastas, though not sweet, are rare things now too – not banned per se but considered treats.

• Finally, I stopped eating almost anything that was low fat.

That makes me wonder about the diet industry in general.  I’m more and more convinced that it’s a myth that you can lose weight and keep it off if you eat a lot of low fat products and sugar substitutes.  Better to learn to love strong and interesting flavours than to just eat “diet versions” of the same old foods.

I think that to get sugar out of your life, you actually have to lose your taste for it.  For me, that means no more junk in the house – even “lite” versions of sugary treats.

It means rooting out hidden sugar and relegating “real” sugar back to treat status where it belongs.

And reclaiming the idea of a “treat” as something that happens only once in a while.

Now- I’m wondering if anyone will ever ask me how I mange to avoid wine.

Gracie’s post has got me thinking hard about why I’m no longer addicted to sugar.  There are still times when nothing but sweet will do – but they’re not nearly so bad or frequent as they used to be. I can satisfy the craving with a bit of chocolate rather than a huge bag of something.  I do know that it’s still hard to stop at one sweet treat and if I buy a large bar of chocolate, it’s going to be gone in one sitting rather than eked out over a week.  So I guess I’m not in any way “cured” – I just don’t assume any willpower around sweets.

OK – I think I’ve found the thought that stops me from eating junk most of the time:  It’s the phrase/knowledge/conviction that “It’s not worth it”.  The calories ingested are in no way equal to the pleasure gained.

Now a glass of lovely wine is worth it, but I’m not allowed to drink right now so that’s moot point.

A can of Coke is not worth it.

A small Green and Black’s butterscotch chocolate bar is worth it sometimes.

Maltesers are no longer worth it – especially the large bag that I used to cram down between the grocery store and home.

Pink grapefruit gelato is worth it, especially during a long walk along the beach.

Grocery store ice-cream with its “non-dairy fat products” (ie frozen vegetable oil) is NEVER worth it – especially for breakfast.  I know – not a good habit.

Restaurant desserts are almost always disappointing so not worth it.

A good cappuccino with a teaspoon of sugar is often worth it – and nice with a bite of whatever the husband is having.

I’m still not quite sure how I got to this point of peace without sugar.  I know that if I felt deprived it wouldn’t work.  Instead, I think I’ve finally really internalised the idea of choosing which FREEDOM I want.  Every once in a while I want the freedom to eat sugar and fat combined into a luscious something.  But mostly I like the freedom of my jeans zipping up and being able to run.

I can’t say that this is a permanent situation and there’s no way I would casually have large quantities of sweet treats in the house without a crowd of people to finish them off.  But one day I hope to be a grandma and I want to be the grandma with cookies in the cookie jar – rather than the grandma who meant well but ate all the cookies before the kids arrived.

Oh yeah – yesterday wasn’t a superb day as my ulcer or whatever it is was making me feel really ill.  Time to get this sorted out.